In preparing for labor, and learning about palliative care of children, I've been exploring the skill of "guided imagery." This is a tool used to focus the mind on something to guide ones thoughts and feelings from pain and sorrow into hope and strength. Someone once told me, while grieving for our two babies, to picture them with Jesus. This picture angers me. He stole my babies. Why did He take them? What have I done wrong?
Herein is the lie which feeds my bitterness. I must have done something wrong to deserve the trials and suffering Drew and I have experienced through miscarriages. I don't know what I've done wrong, but I must strive to make it right - or else God may take the baby that is now in my womb, too. Yes, God, the bully in the sky, is waiting and watching for me to mess up so He can punish me. I know this is so wrong. How long have I believed this lie? And how did Drew come to believe it as well? We hurt and ache for truth. I want for the picture of Jesus caring for my children to soothe my soul like aloe to a burn.
How does one change their mind? Must I be convinced by deep theological discussion? I want a step-by-step guide to healing. Pray, read the Bible, and God will deliver. In reality, God will heal me when He chooses, and the only thing I can do in the meantime is trust Him. I must choose to trust and believe that my God is not a bully, that every good and perfect thing comes from Him, and that He is working all things together for good for those who love Him.
Today, I believe. God, help my unbelief.
19/365
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