A heart like Job.

Today is the start of something. If not today, then when? My heart was stifled into silence by fear. Fear of exposure, of sorrow, of freedom. Even an unhealthy fear of God pervades my soul. In an effort to pursue God for His mercy, truth, goodness, strength, and forgiveness, I will journal every day. No matter the length of content, I will share my heart and a verse which speaks truth to my lies. Where are we without God? And what do we know and understand without Him? His gospel is true and the only chance I've got. God, give me the courage to be raw. I need You more than anything.

As Job says "Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you? I lay my hand on my mouth. I have spoken once, and I will not answer; twice, but I will proceed no further." My heart joins with Job in response to God. I have no authority to question Him. My heart is quieted to listen and hear His reproach. I cannot save myself with my own arm. My voice does not thunder like the Almighty. I cannot bring down the humble and bind them in hell. These things God asks of Job, and of us as well. I will do well to heed His instruction.

"Who has first given to me, that I should repay him? Whatever is under the whole heaven is mine." God does not owe me. Yes, I have suffered, but not for the souls of all mankind. I have suffered unto myself for the loss my hopes and desires. I speak Job's response to God:
I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. 'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?' Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. 'Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to me.' I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes.

Day 1/325