"I know God is good, but is He good to me?" I asked this question four years ago. Four long years of silence, struggle, and sorrow.

Life is just getting good. We have our own home, a sweet cat (and chickens), and a baby on the way. Surely now I will see that God is good to me. Our first ultrasound appeared to be the pinnacle of success. Changing in the bathroom, I could hear the patient next to us, a little swoosh swoosh announcing the growth of her child. I smiled, knowing we would see a little heartbeat today, and hear it beating in just a few weeks.

Clearly now God is not the older kid that comes over and knocks down the block tower I've spent so much time building. But we saw no heart beat. Our child stopped growing at 5 1/2 weeks. My pregnancy hormones are going down instead of up. We are facing another miscarriage.

I'm grateful for the rain this week. We've known since Tuesday we may lose this child, but I'm still waiting to actually lose it. Driving today, in the pouring rain, a rainbow appeared ahead. As we neared, the entire rainbow appeared over a field. As we drove, the rainbow seemed to follow us, touching ground on both ends just outside my window. I wanted to run across the field and soak in the joyful colors. Is this a message? The rainbow was God's sign to Noah, a promise. Maybe God's reminding me of His promises. He is good, but is He good to me? "I will be good to you." He has promised He is good. He will be good to me. I will rest in this. I will cling to Him. I have to, I have nothing else.