I feel stuffy. Old. Bored. I look in the mirror and see, not someone of Generation Y, but someone requiring oxygen and blood pressure medications. This introspection is based on far more than outward appearance, but more on my heart, my thought process, and lack of understanding and mercy for others. I would love to ask someone, objectively, "Do you think I care about you?" and receive an honest answer. I think many people would say yes; I have compassion and love in my eyes, and I try to be attentative when face-to-face. But do I really care? Maybe I should ask "What have I done to show you I care?" I'd love to claim ignorance: "I care, I really do! I'm just not good at showing it, and I don't really know..." COP. OUT. I know. I know what it looks like to care about someone, to consider a person and their circumstances and pray for them even when they don't know. I just don't DO it. I feel bitter and angry, and I do look older for it. What have I to be angry about?! Nothing! Our dreams are coming true one by one, and life has so many opportunities. Yet I hate, not even knowing the object of my demise. I'm lonely, but I kind of like knowing what to expect from myself when I'm the only one here.
What have I done to show God I care? I know it's faith, not actions... But if one really believes, it shows through their being. I'm bored. No, God is not my focus right now. And why the hell not? I like Him, really love Him! Our pastor asked us to choose a verb to describe our relationship with God: Avoid. That's my verb. WHY? I have no reason to be angry with God. Maybe I did at one point; I know some things in my short life have not gone as I planned. Yet I have seen the fruit of my/our struggles, and I know how sweet my life is with Jesus. Am I afraid? Be strong, heart, Fear has no place with my God. I feel at a loss and have for some time now.