The way of Adam

Genesis 3:17-24

What is life without evil, void of the negative?  It is difficult to imagine, considering my whole concept of good is contrasted with evil, black versus white, sorrow versus joy.  How does one understand the blessings they receive without knowing some form of curse for comparison?  And if one knew only the good, how could he appreciate it?

I do not doubt I would go the way of Adam in the garden.  Life is so perfect, surely it would not change.  For one who knew no sorrow, could he even comprehend the difficulties in store?  Yet God had commanded only one thing of Adam and Eve: Do not eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  Because Adam followed his wife, who was listening to the snake, they ate death to mankind.  The curse on Eve is the one that brought on our miscarriages.  The curse on Adam is the cause of worldwide famine.  And I am no different.  I, with simple words and actions, can cause such destruction.  Life is not as He desired.

To hear and heed the Word of God will save lives.  His Word is simple, His commands understandable (though impossible without Him).  And each day I disobey, I solidify the curse on Adam and Eve bringing destruction and sorrow.  He gives instructions, and we choose to listen and obey or follow another voice.

Heart, hear the Word of God.  Trust His Word is truth.  Obey for He is your hope.

Lent

Torture. Deprivation. Lent. All for the sake of growing closer to God, needing Him more. So from what am I fasting? Facebook. Pitiful, I know - but it is a great source of encouragement, confidence, and self-worth. "How many comments can I get on this post?" The wonderful thing about this blog is that so few people know about it. I have one follower, who has commented once or twice in the past couple years. It is as much privacy as one could hope for in online blogging.

So, Lent. A season when one's God is expected to fill the place of food, drink, online social circles, or other activities that would otherwise take much time and energy. The deprivation is intended to remind one of their deprivation from God, and in looking to Him find that He is what is truly needed after all.

Today's scripture is Psalm 100. "What are some of the things this passage shares about God, His work, character, and purposes?"

This is a healing passage - one which promises God's goodness, kindness, and faithfulness. All characteristics of God I have questioned over the years. And here it is, plain as day, reassuring that Yes, God is good. His love is forever and His faithfulness does not grow weary and expire (paraphrasing). He is good, and He is God. He gave to each one life and breath, and He is our shepherd. I appreciate that allusion - that I can trust and follow Him and He will protect His flock. Psalm 23 is linked here - We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.

Therefore, everything I am, I am because of God, because He made me and gave me this life to live. It has not been easy, but even so I see His work in my life. Through losing two babies, I was never alone. In struggling with a husband who does not want God, I am strengthened in my resolve and devotion to Him. Because He is near. Because He is kind and loving. Because He is God. He is God of me. His love is forever and His faithfulness will not grow weary.

Believe, heart. Soak in truth. Trust. Love. He is good.

Contentment

Perspective is a wonderful thing. We have shelter, clean water, clothes, food, and three working vehicles. Here is where my appreciation began. The Jeep started shimmying dangerously this week as Drew was taking a hitch-hiker into town. Ben (my father-in-law) had it towed through AAA to a shop that kept the Jeep for two days. Anxiety pressured and worried us - we have so little money right now and have been elated that our tax rebate will pay off the credit card and the rest of Drew's tuition. But now the Jeep was in the shop, and there was no telling how pricey the repair could be. Praise God, it was a loose lug nut which stripped other lug nuts and broke a bolt. The wheel could have fallen off. Praise God Drew was not injured. Praise God the Jeep was repaired for about $100 - our cash allowance this week.

How He provides for us! The Lord IS my Shepherd. I shall not want.

His goodness is seen in the beauty He gives each day - mountains crowning hot springs and brilliant lakes, rock cliffs bowing to great seas, foreign tongues rippling gorgeous melodies, a hawk gliding on unseen air lifts. How great will it be to see Him, to be in a place where He just is, to sing together with the saints: Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God almighty.

It is easy to feel neglected. I paid the mortgage this month leaving $80 in the account for the next two weeks. (We have cash for food) It hurts to get a bill and realize what I thought we were ahead last month was really a missed bill and now twice as much is owed. Frustration readily abounds, and so does His grace. It is ok. God is with us, even to the end of the age. He cares for us and provides what is needed.

Time

Time is a mocker of those who grieve. Grief knows not of Celcius, nor Ferenheit, not sun nor snow. Months churn and groan into decades, and those who wait for time to heal their wounds wait in vain. No, time turns grief to anger, to bitterness, even apathy - but never brings healing.

There is but one Who can heal, Who brings His beloved through suffering unscathed. One Who even grows and deepens the heart of the griever.

You have turned my mourning into gladness, my sorrow into joy. You have granted friends who weaken my sorrow and strengthen my joy. And You are with me, always, even to the end of the age. You are a good God.

New year

Last year I envisioned myself journaling every day and coming to some deeper knowledge of life, myself, God, etc, and living with a greater vision because of that knowledge. Here I am, one year later, with a deeper knowledge of all the above and a vision to boot, only it isn't documented. I am OK with that.

Rather than imposing some rule of journaling without purpose or intention, I resolve to live in the moment - to journal when I have such occasion and not because I feel I must, to be present where I am and invest in those around me. This year, my resolution is to live.

Spinning, spinning

The past few nights I've had dreams of losing Becca. In one, I've just parked the car and as I'm walking around to get Becca, the car starts - without keys in the ignition - and drives away with my baby. In another, I am flagged to the side of the interstate by a family in need of help only for them to steal my keys, find a gun in the glove box to use against me, and again take my baby. There have been two more that I recall waking up in a cold sweat but the details are foggy.

I have nightmares regularly. Usually I'm drowning, or lost in the woods, or being chased. These nightmares are by far the worst. I wake in the night reaching for the baby monitor to hear Becca breathing, and, reassured, return to my finicky sleep. In addition to losing the baby, the key element is that I am powerless to fight. I have no control over the environment or my actions. Drew and my life right now feels like a freight train quickly picking up speed, careening toward the unknown. Drew starts full-time nursing school this fall, and I transfer to the neo-natal intensive care unit in September. These are career goals and visions we had planned on, though not necessarily at the same time.

While not putting too much stock into my mind's meanderings as I sleep, it also brings to light the value I place on my child - that she is most valuable to me - that losing her is one of my greatest fears. This I will need to chew on more later.

With our predominant focus on family, and the time our careers are currently demanding, many other goals and life-focuses are falling by the wayside: spiritually, health, finances, relationships.

How does one have balance in times like this? We are aiming to survive, and hold our family intact. Is it realistic to add more responsibility? How does one manage finances while adding college debt to the lot? And how does one lose weight cheaply? This is a frustrating time. Former passions and hobbies are ignored, and I am a drone pushing forward to meet the next set of bills.

Praying for clarity of mind and vision. And grace.

Life's Little Curiosities: Baby edition.

Why, Becca, do you nap so well and so consistently until Mommy needs to sleep before a night of work and then you will not nap?

Why, Becca, are you so happy to be home with Daddy all day and when Mommy comes home you cry?

How, Becca, do you manage to not spit up for hours and days until we are in a hurry and rushing out the door, then you spit up all over yourself and either mom or dad so we all have to change?

How, Becca, after I have spent an entire morning cleaning, vacuuming, mopping, and organizing, do you manage to find dust bunnies to eat, bottle caps to choke on, and shelves to destroy?

Why, Becca, when you are sick, do you whine and fuss and refuse to be snuggled or otherwise comforted - and when I am at my whit's end and go to the store just to get out of the house - do you smile and babble at every stranger you see?

Why, Becca, do you go to sleep at 7:00 sharp so well for Daddy, but stay up until 9 or later crying for me?

How is it, Becca, that I can see you fall several times and get right back up, but if you fall and can see me you sob uncontrollably as though your world will end if not attended to immediately?

Why, Becca, when surrounded by appropriate toys, do you find the most dangerous/disgusting thing to play with/eat? (i.e. box fans in the window sill, electrical cords, bugs mortally wounded by the cat and left to die...)

My child, it is as though you have a sixth sense - an idea of what you should not do - and you do just that. And I love you insanely still.