Spinning, spinning

The past few nights I've had dreams of losing Becca. In one, I've just parked the car and as I'm walking around to get Becca, the car starts - without keys in the ignition - and drives away with my baby. In another, I am flagged to the side of the interstate by a family in need of help only for them to steal my keys, find a gun in the glove box to use against me, and again take my baby. There have been two more that I recall waking up in a cold sweat but the details are foggy.

I have nightmares regularly. Usually I'm drowning, or lost in the woods, or being chased. These nightmares are by far the worst. I wake in the night reaching for the baby monitor to hear Becca breathing, and, reassured, return to my finicky sleep. In addition to losing the baby, the key element is that I am powerless to fight. I have no control over the environment or my actions. Drew and my life right now feels like a freight train quickly picking up speed, careening toward the unknown. Drew starts full-time nursing school this fall, and I transfer to the neo-natal intensive care unit in September. These are career goals and visions we had planned on, though not necessarily at the same time.

While not putting too much stock into my mind's meanderings as I sleep, it also brings to light the value I place on my child - that she is most valuable to me - that losing her is one of my greatest fears. This I will need to chew on more later.

With our predominant focus on family, and the time our careers are currently demanding, many other goals and life-focuses are falling by the wayside: spiritually, health, finances, relationships.

How does one have balance in times like this? We are aiming to survive, and hold our family intact. Is it realistic to add more responsibility? How does one manage finances while adding college debt to the lot? And how does one lose weight cheaply? This is a frustrating time. Former passions and hobbies are ignored, and I am a drone pushing forward to meet the next set of bills.

Praying for clarity of mind and vision. And grace.